


not yet frost on the ground

by sailingthenightsea



Series: meant to be [4]
Category: The Last of Us (Video Games)
Genre: Dad Joel, Father-Daughter Relationship, Found Family, Hunters, If You Squint - Freeform, Implied/Referenced Torture, Plot kinda, Pre-Slash ig, Protective Ellie, Protective Joel, also little hints of dina/ellie, also my brand, bc this is a street that goes both ways, be warned, david mentioned!!!!!!!!!!!, it's not graphic but it's there, joel and ellie are badasses, joel has Emotions, little bit, love to see it, mild but there, oh right almost forgot
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-27
Updated: 2020-12-27
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:07:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28352145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sailingthenightsea/pseuds/sailingthenightsea
Summary: She hates being a burden, always has. It was bad enough that Joel had to rescue her over and over during those months on the road. Had to risk himself again and again because she wasn’t capable enough to handle herself. But she’d made up for it. She’d saved him too. She’d proven her worth then. Now she just has to prove it again.(And no matter how many times he insists she doesn’t have to, that she is enough, she can’t quite believe him, can’t risk him changing his mind, deciding she’s too much and leaving her too.)She shakes her head, clearing her thoughts and focusing on the woods around her. She can’t afford to be distracted, not out here, not on her own.
Relationships: Ellie & Joel (The Last of Us)
Series: meant to be [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1810783
Comments: 2
Kudos: 32





	not yet frost on the ground

**Author's Note:**

> merry christmas! or really happy kwanzaa! happy holidays!
> 
> i'm BACK
> 
> and better than ever? eh not really but i do like this one
> 
> here's the first half as a present while i work on finishing the second half (which is mostly done)
> 
> enjoy!

The cold starts settling in early their first year in Jackson, warning of a harsh winter. Rations get tighter and Ellie knows how this goes—she’d seen plenty of ration cuts in Boston and it’s always the same. At the worst point, only the most important people, the ones who contribute the most, get what food they have. The rest are left to fend for themselves.

Usually enough went to the academy that they had something of a meal most days—if you were mean enough to fight to keep hold of your share. Ellie was. Riley too. As soon as they were old enough to stop running, to hold their own, they were vicious. But Ellie remembered what it was like to be one of the little ones. There weren’t many of them and they tended to stick together, keeping away from older kids, snatching their rations and disappearing before anyone could grab them. Most times they were fast enough, but, when they weren’t, Ellie would knock the asshole to the ground and Riley would rush in after her while the kid took off.

She hopes those kids managed after losing both of them in a day. They probably weren’t too surprised, though, not much is constant in that place.

Not much is constant anywhere.

Except for what people are capable of doing to each other when they get desperate. Jackson isn’t exempt from that rule. No matter how good they are at hiding it.

Which is her justification for sneaking out without telling Joel where she’s going. They need more people out hunting and he wouldn’t fucking listen to her when she said she should be out there. Parroted the same bullshit about her being a kid and how she would get to start going on patrols when she was sixteen and until then she was doing plenty inside the walls. Which was a load because all she did inside was go to school three days a week and help out in the stables some afternoons.

In the end, she isn’t useful. Not really. Not like Joel is, or Dina who volunteers for the clinic. And, yeah, she knows that if it came down to it—to rations like they did in Boston, Joel would never let her go hungry. But she also knows he would give her more than a fair split and she can’t let him do that. She won’t.

So she doesn’t have any other choice here. She’ll be gone a few hours and Joel will think she’s at school until she comes back with a rabbit or two. And then he can’t be pissed at her. At least not for long. Probably.

She sighs. He’s gonna be totally pissed. And hurt that she lied. They made a deal after she confronted him about the hospital. No more lies, no more secrets. If they can’t tell each other, if they can’t _trust_ each other, then it’s the wrong decision.

And, yet, here she is, lying to him about this when she’s already keeping _another_ secret.

But she doesn’t have a choice, she can’t tell him _that_ and she has to do _this_. She _has_ to do this. For him. For them.

For herself. She hates being a burden, always has. It was bad enough that Joel had to rescue her over and over during those months on the road. Had to risk himself again and again because she wasn’t capable enough to handle herself. But she’d made up for it. She’d saved him too. She’d proven her worth then. Now she just has to prove it again.

(And no matter how many times he insists she doesn’t have to, that she is _enough_ , she can’t quite believe him, can’t risk him changing his mind, deciding she’s too much and leaving her too.)

She shakes her head, clearing her thoughts and focusing on the woods around her. She can’t afford to be distracted, not out here, not on her own.

A breeze rustles through the dead leaves and pine needles, making her shiver a bit in her thin jacket. Winter is definitely on its way, but it’s not too bad yet. The cool air helps keep her in the moment, not cold enough yet to bury into her bones and drag her back _there_.

_Focus, Ellie._

There’s movement somewhere ahead of her, something small by the sound of it, so she creeps forward, an arrow notched in her bow, ready. She grins when the rabbit comes into view, pulling the arrow back, steadying her aim, and then releasing it. The arrow hits its target and she lets out a whispered cheer.

 _Told you_ , she thinks triumphantly.

A twig snaps behind her and she freezes. She takes one breath, in and out. Another. There are no other sounds and her heart sinks.

She knows she fucked up. She _completely_ fucked up.

An infected wouldn’t wait. An animal would’ve moved again.

_Fuck fuck fuck fuck._

One more breath. Then she drops her bow and she bolts.

Ellie tears through the woods in what she’s pretty sure is the direction of Jackson. Heavy footsteps pound against the ground in time with hers. He’s too close. Her heart slams in her chest, the sound of it echoing in her ears. Branches snatch at her hair and clothes, one catches her cheek and leaves a stinging pain behind. She doesn’t slow down.

She’s too far from the walls and there’s no way she can outrun him. She knows it, but she keeps going, breath heaving and legs burning.

God, she should’ve told Joel where she was going.

She leaps over a log, landing hard, but on her feet. That’s all that matters.

The trees start thinning and relief tentatively starts to bloom in her chest. She’s _so close_.

Her foot catches on a root and she stumbles, catching herself, but it’s enough. He’s right behind her.

She’s not gonna make it.

A hand closes around the collar of her jacket and she’s yanked to the ground. She cries out as she goes down and grunts with the impact.

In a flash, her knife is out and she’s scrambling backwards, but the man—the _hunter_ —is faster. Practiced. He’s got her by the ankle before she can put enough space between them and he drags her forward, catching her arm before she can reach him with her knife. He’s stronger and holds it away from himself easily, bending her wrist until she’s forced to drop it. The sound of it hitting the ground is soft, but it rings out loud in her ears.

She’s trapped, too far from Jackson for anyone to hear her and no way for Joel to know she’s gone for hours.

With nothing else to do, she screams, but that doesn’t last long until the hunter claps a hand over her mouth. She bites his hand and he jerks back, swearing.

It’s enough. She kicks away and turns to run, but there’s another man in front of her.

_Fuck._

He gestures with the gun he has pointed at her. “Hands.”

She glares, but she complies and the first hunter zip ties her wrists together. Her pulse thrums louder than anything in the world.

_So. Fucking. Stupid._

The first hunter, the one who chased her, grabs hold of the shoulder of her jacket. He pulls his own gun and pokes her in the back with it.

“Quiet,” he says, and Ellie shudders. “Do what I say and you walk away from this. Understood?”

She nods, grinding her teeth. Odds are he’s lying, but all she has to do is stay alive long enough for Joel to realize she’s gone. He’ll come after her, he always does. And then she’ll figure out how to make up for that too.

She’s starting to worry she’s never going to be able to pay back the debt she owes him.

The second hunter walks away from them, towards Jackson, which twists her stomach with dread. She knows the wall guards can manage one hunter, but still. _Still_. Jackson is where Joel is. Where Dina is.

And Ellie’s out here, next to helpless, at the mercy of a hunter, trying very hard not to remember the last time she was in a situation like this.

Joel will come. He will. She just has to stay alive.

The hunter watches his friend walk away and then turns her roughly in the opposite direction. She stumbles a little, but he keeps her on her feet.

There’s no getting out of his grip, and she wouldn’t be able to outrun him even if she could. But she’s not going down without a fight, so she walks loudly, making as much of a trail as possible.

Joel’s coming, and she’s gonna do everything she can to make sure he finds her.

-

“Joel!”

He stops, sighing deeply as Tommy jogs to catch up with him. That tone is one Joel knows very well. “What do you need me to do now?” he asks, raising an eyebrow as Tommy moves to stand in front of him.

“Wall patrol caught a hunter real close to the gate. He ain’t answerin’ our questions.” He stops there, looking at Joel expectantly.

He sighs again. “I know damn well you know how to get answers outta someone when you want, Tommy.”

He grins, knowing Joel’s gonna agree. Sometimes it’s like he never stopped being the baby brother. “Yeah,” he says, slowly, “but I don’t much like it. Or I don’t like the looks people give me after. One or the other. Besides you were always faster.”

“So I’m supposed to torture this guy ‘cause you don’t wanna do it yourself.”

Tommy shrugs, then nods. “I mean, if he has a group that could be a threat to us, wouldn’t you wanna know the best interrogator was in there with him? To keep Jackson safe. For Ellie.”

Joel gives him a dry look.

“C’mon, this could be _serious_ ,” Tommy says, dragging out the last word like a little kid.

Joel rolls his eyes and grumbles, but he goes. It’s mostly for show, honestly, the only reason he has to be hesitant is Ellie. If she knew, she’d wanna be involved, and he doesn’t want her to see him like that. Her knowin’ is one thing, but he can’t shake the feeling that it would make her look at him different, like the monster plenty of people would say he is.

Like the monster he’s sure many people _do_ say he is.

Not her, though. No matter what he did, no matter what he told her about his past (not much, but if she asked, he answered), she took it in stride.

Still, he doesn’t want her to see it. He’s grateful she’s at school, now, even though he still hates her being out of his sight for that long. It was good for her—for both of them. The separation. The normalcy.

He’ll be glad when this is over and she’s at home, filling it with light and warmth. She always makes washing the blood off so much easier.

When he and Tommy get to where they’re holding the hunter, Joel sends his thoughts of Ellie away into a safe corner of his mind and he locks it down. He keeps the version of himself he gets to be with her separate from this. Or he tries to. Now that he doesn’t need the brutality every day to keep them breathing.

Joel slips into the violence with ease. Tommy asks most of the questions, but the hunter is good at taking a hit and keeps his mouth shut.

The room is made of concrete and the floor was already stained before they started. The sound of dripping fades like a metronome in the background. It reminds him vaguely of guitar lessons when he was a kid. The music teacher had insisted he was a natural talent and kept him after school for lessons until his father had made him quit. Lessons—he made it until Sarah was born before he dropped out of school. He’d gone back, though, for his GED when she was five. She had been _so proud_ of him even if she didn’t completely understand what it was. Tommy had explained it to her and roped her into a surprise party that night.

God, he hadn’t thought of that in a long time.

The two of them had been his whole world back then. Proud of him in ways no one else had ever been. Loving him in ways he wasn’t sure anyone ever would.

After losing them both, he assumed that had been it for him. The only two people who would ever matter. Gone. And without them, what the fuck was left of him? Who was he without the two people he had built his entire life around?

The world had no room left in it for Joel Miller’s heart, so he cut it out, buried it in a shallow grave on the side of a highway somewhere.

Until Ellie found it, dusted it off and handed it back to him. Like it was just that easy. Like it had never really left him in the first place.

And maybe it hadn’t. Maybe he’d just forgotten how to make it beat until Ellie reminded him.

The hunter groans, trying to hide it with a forced laugh. Joel brings himself back. So much for keeping Ellie separate. Somehow, she is everywhere he goes and in everything he does.

(Like Sarah was when she was alive. And after she died, until he had ripped her out of himself and left the memories scattered like ashes, like a memorial for a world he’d watched die. Until Ellie brought it—brought _her_ —back to him too.)

Another groan. The pain is starting to wear on the man. Joel can see it, and so can Tommy. He presses his advantage while Tommy insists all they need is an answer and the hurt can stop.

“God, this place,” the hunter spits, face pale and covered in a sheen of sweat, “this place is nothing. It’s make believe. Tryna pretend the world is like it used to be, but it ain’t. This will all fall and you’ll all fucking die. Just like everywhere else.”

Tommy scoffs. “Jackson has been here since close to the start. It’s safe, secure.”

“Secure?” he laughs and it’s poisonous. “Secure enough that a young girl can sneak out unnoticed for hours?”

Fear wraps around his heart, ice cold, and Joel knows he lets the weakness flash on his face because the hunter grins, pleased in a twisted fucked up kind of way.

“What girl?” Tommy asks because Joel doesn’t. He can’t, he’d give too much away. If he hasn’t already. It can’t be her, but who else would it be?

“Ohhhh, she was a little badass. Red hair, pretty small—couldn’t be more than fourteen or fifteen. And the mouth on her! Shit, she nearly made _me_ blush.” He’s grinning wider now.

Joel’s shaking with rage and he knows the hunter wants this, but he can’t stop it. He can’t do anything because it is her. Because it’s Ellie. It’s _Ellie_. It’s _his_ Ellie—his daughter, his world.

“She was fast as hell. Fought hard too—someone taught her well. But against both of us? Poor thing never stood a chance.”

Joel’s pretty sure he’s gonna be sick, but he isn’t and instinct takes over while panic tries to shut him down. He lets it, goes where his body tells him to, says what his mouth wants him to. This world may have room for both sides of him, but this room only has a place for one.

He shuts the fear down. Gives himself over to the anger instead.

In a flash of movement, the hunter is dragged out of the chair and slammed against the ground. Joel growls as the hunter laughs, wheezing, breath rattling.

“Where is she?” he grounds out and the hunter just fucking smiles. “Where the hell is she?!”

“Alive,” he says, still laughing. “She was alive, last I saw her. But that was, ohhhhh, a couple hours ago now.” He tilts his head, grinning and grinning and grinning. Joel wants to kill him, wants to wipe that stupid fucking grin off his face and replace it with fear and pain.

So _fucking_ much for keeping Ellie separate.

He doesn’t kill him because Tommy still needs him. There’s something else. Ellie’s a distraction disguised as a confession.

With one hard kick to the ribs, Joel turns and heads for the door. Tommy catches his arm, shooting a look to the man still grinning on the floor, then facing Joel.

“Hey, she’s gonna be fine. She’s _fine_ ,” Tommy insists. “They let school out right after I came to get you, so she may just be at home. She may never have snuck out; they could’ve just seen her when she was with one of us. Used her to scare you. Check home first.”

“And if she isn’t there?” Joel says, but he knows the answer.

“Then you go get her. Bring her back.” There’s no doubt, no hesitation.

Joel nods, grateful. “There’s something else,” he says. “This is a distraction.”

“I know. I’ll get it. You go.” Tommy nods his head in the direction of the door.

“Yeah,” Joel says and then he’s gone and Tommy’s turning back to the hunter.

He makes it across town in half the time it took to get there. His heart plummets when he sees Dina with her knees to her chest in one of the plastic chairs on the porch. When she sees him alone, her face falls and she shoots to her feet, leaning over the railing as he walks over.

“She’s not with you,” Dina says, when he reaches the steps, eyes searching his face for a different answer. But her voice is disappointed, not hopeful. There’s dread written across her face and he knows the reality of where Ellie is has already set in for both of them.

He sighs, passing her as he goes to the door. “No. She told me she was heading out early to meet up with you this morning.”

Dina follows him, shaking her head at that. “She never showed up today. I figured she just stayed home. With you. She does that often enough. Wasn’t ‘til they let us out early that I thought something might be wrong.”

He makes a noise of agreement as he grabs his shit, checking his ammo and making sure his makeshift first aid kit is stocked well enough.

“What are you gonna do?” Dina asks, standing aimlessly in the middle of the room.

He glances at her briefly. “Find her.”

“On your own?”

“You sure as hell ain’t comin’,” he says, using the tone nobody ever dares disagree with. Except Ellie. That girl has never really been intimidated by him.

Dina ain’t either, but she’s smart enough to know when he’s right. Save him a hell of a lot of trouble if Ellie were too. He sighs.

“Go home, Dina,” he says, keeping his voice as gentle as he can manage. “I’ll bring her back.”

She doesn’t move, though, just shuffles her feet and looks at the floor before looking back at him. “Can I wait here?”

“Won’t somebody miss you?”

“No,” she says. “No one left to.”

He looks at her a little differently then, less like a kid and more like a survivor. And he sees it as soon as he looks. The worry on her face isn’t abstract—it’s based on every god awful thing she’s ever seen. No wonder she knew exactly how to reach Ellie when they first got here.

“So can I stay?”

Tommy and Ellie can tease him all they like about how he’s goin’ soft, but he can’t tell her no. Not about this. “Yeah, kid. You can stay.”

Dina smiles a little, grateful. “She got out through the grate in the back west corner of the wall. It’s how groups sneak out to go sledding or swimming or whatever. Maria’s been threatening to secure it for years, but she never has.”

Joel nods. “Keep an ear out. Something wasn’t right with that hunter.” Dina pales, but she looks more worried than afraid.

Then he’s out the door. He’s got a job to do: track Ellie down and kill anyone who gets in his way. This is familiar. This he knows.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading!! kudos & comments are to me as shiny things are to crows
> 
> also hmu on twitter (@sailthenightsea) or tumblr (@sailingthenightsea)


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